My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
