So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
