Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
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He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
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I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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