I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
