So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just threw up on my dentist
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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