I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
