there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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