the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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