I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
