i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
