You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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