Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
