i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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