Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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