If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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