i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
