eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
