I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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