Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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