Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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