we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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