I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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