I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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