We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
