I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
