Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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