That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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