The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
