I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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