you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
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What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
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Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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