he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
