I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
