Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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