i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
