i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
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of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
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Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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