why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
