It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm at about main and main street
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
