Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
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I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
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Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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