i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
