Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
time to smoke my breakfast
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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