fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We have started to decorate penises.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
