Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
