WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
