You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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