he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
