Don't make out with my wife yet
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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