I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
