He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
