My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
