no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
