nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
