you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
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He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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