Umm I'm too high to move.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
