you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
