Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
