Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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